Renungan masa lalu

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Cinta itu indah,

tika seronok dibuai angan dan perasaan..



Pabila tersedar dari ulitan nafsu,

Dosa yang panas mula dirasai,

titisan air mata sukar dihenti,

mengenang diri penderhaka ILLAHI..

rasa bersalah mula menghantuI.,

taubat dihulur, diri dihukumi..

Penamat kasih menjadi akhiran,

walaupun pahit dirasakan,

namun keredhaanNya menjadi pilihan.

takku ingin di NERAKA kita akan dipertemukan



Duhai sahabat,

Kisah cinta itu memang mengasyikkan

Takkan terbayar dengan segala pajakan

walau segala di dunia menjadi taruhan



Namun..,

ku rela tinggalkan memori kita.,

demi meraih perhatian yang Maha Mencinta,

maafkan aku....

semoga cintaNya turut dimilikimu..

This morning I was doing something with the microsoft outlook. Trying to figure things out, how to have my gmail get synchronize with this application (just like the old times, alah masa intern dulu. kat PGB) but then, when I was flipping through my old mails, suddenly I found this heart-touching beautiful poem.



Seriously, this was forwarded by Suria last year in June if I am not mistaken. And during that days, I wasn't aware of my situation at all. Because I was deeply, madly in love with this one guy. Who cares what people said when you have your significant ones by your side? It was all about us. And nothing more interest me except him, and things that have to do with him and my own life. I was being selfish during those times. Selfish with everyone. And sadly, I didn't even realize how much I've changed. From an ok to a very unpredictable bad person.



The fact is, I couldn't even count how many things that I have done actually affected the people that I truly love but forget since the moment we reunited back. Aih, cinta ini membutakan atau saya sendiri yang membutakan mata dan hati?



Everyone was shocked when I told them the sudden breakup we had last year on December during our final semester. For some reasons, I have been a bit secretive with everyone ever since we started to date in July 2008. I couldn't utter any words to describe our date to anyone including the most dearest person to me, my roommate.



Because all these while, I was the one who was trying real hard to keep myself to be the real muslimah and for this, I didn't even realize that I held such respects from others.



Bila orang mula memandang tinggi, dan bila diri terasa tidak layak untuk dijadikan contoh, where else could I ran over to get some advice? Hanya diri sendiri yang di kala itu pun terkapai-kapai mencari ranting untuk bertahan.



Entah kenapa agaknya cara berfikir boleh berubah 180 darjah sehingga boleh berubah sampai satu saat, saya juga hampir tidak kenal yang mana satu diri saya yang sebenarnya. Jujur dari hati, bukan lah salah cinta yang hinggap di hati atau salah dia yang pernah saya cinta. Tapi semua itu datang dari kelemahan diri sendiri. Baru diuji dengan sekelumit cinta manusia, sudah terjatuh, terluka dan melukai semua yang di sisi. Alangkah lemahnya diri.



Saat itu, yang ada di fikiran dan hati hanyalah dia. Dan tidak mahu apa pun memisahkan kami lagi. How determined I was back then eh? Sampai berani hampir menggadaikan masa depan dan pegangan hidup just because didn't want to be apart from him. I did almost everything just to make sure he was happy. And I know how much he sacrifices just to make me happy.



But the saddest part was, I didn't even remember to pray for this love to be everlasting. apalah guna cinta separuh mati, kalau tiada keberkatan dan redha dariNya. I knew from the start that this thing won't work out the moment I had to lie to my own mother about our date. That I had cancelled it out, when the fact was I still went out with him. He didn't want to go there when he heard that Mom wasn't agree with the plan, but I pushed him so that I could celebrate that special day with him. Just the two of us. And as the consequnces of my stubborness and idioticness, that night had become the starter of the nightmares in our life.



Even if I wish I could tell someone the real things that had happened to us, the real reason we had to break up. I couldn't. I just couldn't. Semua orang tanya. Tapi saya cuma mampu menjawab the recent reason. Sbb2 minor. and the real reason is still in the dark. Still in the silent.



I couldn't blame him for leaving me behind just like that because deep inside my heart I know truly that he was scared for everything that happened in the past. He was scared. And I was scared too. But I was scarred even more by his actions and words after we broke up. I was hurt. Deeply.



Tapi apa pun, Allah lebih tahu yang terbaik buat kami. Saya tipu kalau saya katakan hati ini tidak pernah mengingat dia. Tapi apalah gunanya cinta jika ia membawa mudarat untuk org yang mencintai dan yang dicintai. Cukuplah kesilapan dan kerosakan yang telah berlaku. Saya tidak mahu lagi sebuah pertemuan yang menghancurkan dua hati di akhirat nanti. Saat ini, saya benar-benar mengharapkan dia bahagia. Di mana pun dan apa pun yang dia lakukan, saya mahu dia tetap berada di bawah lembayung rahmatNya. That's the least that I could do for someone so dear to me. Untaian doa dari kejauhan..



Cukuplah. Andai itu mampu menghapus benci dalam hati masing-masing...



Yours Truthfully,

Misz iNz