the progress

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Okay. the most craziest thing i did yesterday was; messaging that particular someone saying that i wanna add him to my friendlist (wic is a bit ridiculous because of the rumors..aiiihhh...) and i didnt plan to add him at first but i was thinking, hey, maybe we should just be friends first. after all i don't even know him kan? just saw him in the office and that's it. even if it was me, who is the only 1 having crush on him (ok fine, if i was being perasan all these while...who cares? ) takpe lah. im single. and i can make friends with who ever i want.

and when i mean friends. i really mean it. layan mcm kawan lah kan? i guess it is his nature lah. acting so brotherly towards me. or perhaps it is me who is not comfortable and not at ease having err....big brother. after all i used to be the oldest in the family...eventhough im not that matured at heart. hahah. just pretending all along this while. :P

ok2. i accept that as his nature. pretty sure he's thinking that im having crush on him now. haha. how funny. due2 perasan suda. sigh.

next time, well, i'll make sure my move is clear and will not welcoming any unwanted perception like before.

ms wong pun ikut menyakat. whoa, this is bad ok?

i have to keep my reputation clean maa.



Yours Truthfully,
Misz iNz

what i feel

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

"Broken-Hearted Girl"You're everything I thought you never wereAnd nothing like I thought you could have beenBut still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that?You're the only one I wish I could forgetThe only one I love to not forgiveAnd though you break my heart, you're the only oneAnd though there are times when I hate you'Cause I can't eraseThe times that you hurt me and put tears on my faceAnd even now, while I hate you, it pains me to sayI know I'll be there at the end of the dayI don't wanna be without you, babeI don't want a broken heartDon't wanna take a breath without you, babeI don't wanna play that partI know that I love you, but let me just sayI don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no noI don't want a broken heartI don't wanna play the broken-hearted girlNo, no, no broken-hearted girlThere's something that I feel I need to sayBut up til' now I've always been afraid that you would never come aroundAnd still I wanna put this outYou say you've got the most respect for me But, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of meAnd still, you're in my heartBut you're the only oneAnd yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk awayOh, but now I don't hate youI'm happy to sayThat I will be there at the end of the dayI don't wanna be without you, babeI don't want a broken heartDon't wanna take a breath without you, babeI don't wanna play that partI know that I love you, but let me just sayI don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no noI don't want a broken heartI don't wanna play the broken-hearted girlNo, no, no broken-hearted girlNow I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, oohI'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeahAin't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away with you....I don't wanna be without my babyI don't want a broken heartDon't wanna take a breath without my babyI don't wanna play that partI know that I love you, but let me just sayI don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no noI don't want a broken heartI don't wanna play the broken-hearted girlNo, no, no broken-hearted girlBroken-hearted girlNo broken-hearted girl

Yours Truthfully,
Misz iNz

aarrrrrhhh

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

one word.


PENAT. peh. went up and down stairs. searching for the pipelines. aiyaahh. it wasn't that hard. just penat aje.

on the way back, i saw him. looks like he wanted to go meet us but unfortunately, a manager came up, blocking his way and talked to him. well, rezeki melihat dari jauh je :P

3 crazy days. and i finally at ease when i saw him even though it was only for a while. nah, ni ke penangan love at first sight? is this love?

i have never felt like this before. not after i left taiping. the only guy who could make my heart felt something at first sight was only marwan. and we're just friends now. the other guy i dated, i force my own self to love him at first (it was hard) i just like him. but he was in love with me...which makes me feel guilty in the beginning because i didn't really love him enough to say i love u back. it took me a week to say it...and it took me months to really feel it. old memories.

guess he never really think bout it now.

he already got kholi by his side who could understand him better than i did. what more he wants? it's more than enough.

haih.

i don't want him to come back.

just sit still and be where he is.

tapi hati ni macam terlalu takut untuk bergerak ke depan. membuka pintu ke cinta baru. im so scared. scared enough to not really think about mr f seriously.

berserah kepada takdir, jalan apa yg terbaik utk diri.

Yours Truthfully,
Misz iNz

Kehilangan

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Salam.

Semalam,

seusai azan subuh...saya lelapkan mata sebentar (hajat di hati cuma 5 minit. 5 minit saja...sebelum benar-benar bangkit untuk membersihkan diri dan berwudhuk)

namun pagi itu saya dikejutkan dengan suara pecah-pecah emak. Subuh saya diiringi sedu emak yang mematikan segala rasa kantuk yang bersarang (kerana tidur lewat menyiapkan report).

"Along, bangun...Nek Ngah dah tak ada.."

Sebaris ayat emak, menyebabkan spontan saya terus bangun dan terduduk di pembaringan.

Terkedu, mungkin itu lebih tepat.

Selama beberapa minit fikiran saya benar-benar kosong. Melayang. Entah ke mana. Perasaan saya benar-benar keliru. Antara percaya dengan tidak, terkejut..segalanya bercampur menjadi satu.

Selepas mengejutkan saya, emak terus ke depan....menelefon adik-adiknya yang lain, saudara mara..yang jauh dan dekat. mengkhabarkan kehilangan insan yang cukup dekat di hati kami.

Saya yang masih dalam keadaan terkejut yang amat sangat memandang ke arah maksu yang sudah kemerahan mata, menahan tangis. Mencari kepastian lagi biarpun saya tahu berita kematian itu bukan suatu perkara yang boleh dibuat main.

Entah berapa lama saya begitu, saya sendiri tak pasti sebelum saya akhirnya tersedar yang solat subuh masih belum tertunai lagi.

Usai solat, barulah saya boleh berfikir dengan agak jelas. Apa yang harus dibuat, perancangan untuk pagi ini...apa yang mesti diselesaikan.

Ada sedetik rasa di jiwa...

Rupa-rupanya, hajat untuk menzirahinya tidak kesampaian...

Namun saya mengerti. Itu yang terbaik buatnya setelah beberapa bulan menderita. Sedalam mana sayang saya, Tuhan lebih menyayanginya.

Masih saya ingat saat saya kucup dahinya, sekilas ada bau harum yang tak dapat digambar dengan kata-kata.

semoga roh Allahyarhamah Nek Ngah sentiasa dicucuri rahmat Allah dan diampunkan segala dosa-dosanya dan ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yang bertaqwa...amin.

Al-Fatihah.

ps: saya sudah tidak akan kemaskini blog ini lagi selepas ini kerana sudah mula menggunakan wordpress. sekian.
With Love,
iNz

feeling detector, pls invent it for me~

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

salam.

saya terdengar lagu after all.

and it reminds me of how many times we ended up our relationship before this and then after that, he came back to me again and again.

he once said, "kalau saya lari ke mana-mana pun, saya akan blk pd awk blk...awk jgn risau..sbb awk dah set satu standard yg sgt tinggi utk mana2 perempuan tandingi"

but now, im thinking. is it still valid? the statement he made after our the-very last-worst-break up?

because on the last conversation, he said he felt nothing towards me. no love at all. what's left was only desire.

and because of that, i realize there's no way i will have chance to push him up to the extent anymore. that was the limit.

when everything started to fall apart, and he lost his love to me somewhere...i know this relation won't go anywhere.

and after that he did a series of actions that shows he really2 hate me@ blaming me for things that happened to us before.

how easy he changed his mind like a switch, and how i wish i could be like that too.

no, don't get me wrong.

i dont want him to ever come back again after what had happened to me. i have to go through one hell-ish year to overcome my inferior, my nightmares and all that. dealing with guilty, overdose of sadness, the increasing level of tense...etc2.

i learned alot from that. life lessons.

and i want to know, i really want to know how does it feel to fall in love at first sight? did it really happen? how to know it? how to know that it is a mutual feeling and the we're not just perasan-ing ourselves?

sigh.

killing 2 birds with 1 stone huh?

i still remember about him sometime. this feeling inside is growing stronger each time i met this mr f.

he did show something. but im just not sure yet. whether it is just concern because im a trainee (bdk br blaja) or he's feeling something inside?

saying jage diri@ take care, is it normal stuff in that company?

aiyooh.. hard to figure. if the person who's saying it an older man like my father or a pakcik2 (married man) surely i'll accept it as concern to me because im mcm ank2 die, something like that. but then, it's coming from a guy older only a year from me.

whether it is his nature to be such a sweet and concern guy to everyone (esp girl) sbb family upbringing mmg mcm tu, or is there some sparks between us?

too deep2. im thinking too deep. it's too early to predict things now. but what's more worst is that i already feel something the very first time i saw him on my first at the company. sigh.

nabila, focus!

ok, doing my report now~~~ ;(


Yours Truthfully,
Misz iNz

Satu masa...

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Bila cinta tak lagi untukku.

Bila hati tak lagi padaku.

Mengapa harus dia yang merebut dirimu.

Bila aku tak baik untukmu.

Dan bila dia bahagia dirimu.

Aku kan pergi meski hati tak akan rela.

hurm, layan lagu ressa herlambang ni bikin hati sayu saja. T__T saya tahu, jika dilayan hati ini dengan lagu-lagu begini...memang tak akan bergerak lah jiwa walau seinci pun. tetapi alunan piano memang amat menyentuh hati dan jiwa yang telah saya kerahkan untuk bekerja keras mengejar cita yang hampir layu tak kesampaian satu masa dulu.

satu masa dulu, saya adalah si gadis yang pada dasarnya terperangkap di dalam ceritera indah khayalan seperti kisah puteri-puteri yang akan berbahagia hingga hujung nyawa pabila cinta sejati menyapa jiwa. saya seperti si puteri yg tidur lena menanti sang putera untuk mengejutkan saya dari tidur yg panjang.

terlalu percaya cinta itu cumanya satu. tiada dua. sekali. seumur hidup. untuk selamanya.

terlalu percaya dia yang saya nanti itulah dia yang diberikan seluruh jiwa dan hati.

indah. terlalu indah jika hidup seperti khayalan. tetapi inilah kehidupan.

realiti itu pahit. tetapi kepahitannya akan membuahkan madu bila di akhirnya kita berjaya tiba di puncak setelah berlelah mendaki.

saya pernah mencinta.

pernah dicintai

pernah melukai

dan juga pernah dilukai.

hakikat pedih dilukai itu membuatkan jiwa mulai sedar.

untuk berusaha tidak menjadi si belati tajam.

buat hati2 yang mencintai saya hingga ke saat ini.

hakikat dicampak pergi tanpa sebarang belas

membuatkan saya mengerti

hati2 manusia itu milik Tuhan

dan tidak pernah sekali pun saya miliki.

menyedarkan saya pada satu kesedaran

bahwa saya cuma si peminjam miskin

lemah

dan tidak sempurna seperti Dia.

dan sungguh,

saya mulai mengerti,

satu kelemahan jiwa di sebalik kukuh kerasnya sebuah hati

pabila mencinta, insan itu tetapnya menjadi yang disayangi

biarpun disakiti berulang kali

tetap setia mendoakan

biarpun di dalam mimpi,

bayangan saya sudah lama mati

tanpa nisan.

terkadang

bertanya sendiri,

untuk apa sekeping hati ini

tetap teguh menyimpan sedikit cinta buat dia

yang tidak pernah menoleh ke arah jiwa ini

dia, yang hatinya keras seperti keluli

dia, yang hatinya teguh membuang segala cinta & kasih

dia, yang akhirnya sedar cinta ini bukan untuk saya

dia, yang akhirnya yakin kelayakan itu tiada pada saya.

dia, yang akhirnya pasti suci itu buat saya tidak pernah wujud.

namun disebalik pahit kerna kerasnya jiwa itu,

saya mulai melihat indahnya pelangi ciptaan Dia buat saya.

saya mulai sedar, suatu jalan yang terbentang luas di hadapan.

suatu harapan tergantung tinggi menadah dada langit.

kilauan mimpi yang menyilaukan pandangan

meniup pergi segala sisa racun yg membakar diri.

aihh.... da cukuplah kata2 puitis hari ini. pecah kepala da ni. nak mandi :P esok kerja. kena switch brain to technical part plak. cukup berpuitis utk hari ni.

Yours Truthfully,
Misz iNz

the craziest thing in the new year.

In the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Salam alaik.

i think i have done something out of my conscious. well, not really i was unconscious. nape ek? still i dont have the answer why on earth did i really want to send that message to him. even if i pick up the phone the day he called me, i wouldn't have the answer if he asked why. i would just sit still and keep silent.

and i still don;t have the strength to face up the risk if i pick it up. what if i am not strong enough to hear all the harsh, sarcastic or complicated questions or words from him? that would probably be bad enough for me. im still not ready to shed another tears in this new year mood. still didnt have enough courage to pull my self back if my pride and heart being injured badly like last time.

sigh. why on earth did i send that particular mesage to him.? it was the same message he sent to me in 2007 or 2008 i guess. can;t remember them very well. i didn't know if he still remember that particular message was from him. he probably wont remember it. im pretty sure.

im not ready to be scolded by him because of my stupidity and reckless action.

but up till now i keep wondering, did he really wanted to curse me because of the message? sigh.

i didnt want to involve in his life anymore. i really do. dont want to interfere into his life either. we both have our very own life at the moment and i dont want to lose it anymore like before.

i just want to send that particular message and that's it.

am i crazy or what?

is this called intuition or stupidity for following and trusting my very own heart so much?

was he mad at me?

did he hate what i do?

pretty sure i guess the answer is a YES. sigh. padan muka saya.

ok, next time don't do anything stupid like that regardless of how much u really wanna do it!.

hopefully he is in his stable mode now. im really sorry for causing u trouble by sending u that message.

u probably already have another person in mind. :) good luck in life mr s.

this is the best for me.

and it's already a year.

i should get myself back. pull it together to grab all the chances in front.

why is it so hard for u to move miss lil heart?

sigh. c'mon, walk...walk...walk...and don't keep that feeling anymore. left it somewhere in the middle.




Yours Truthfully,
Misz iNz